SpeakMyMind.

In the end, we probably really weren’t meant to be together. Slowly, but surely, I’m beginning to accept that. I still have my younger years ahead of me and I guess it’s time for me to finally enjoy that. Even if every now & then I find myself thinking about you, it will be me wishing you the happiness I was never really able to give you. I have big plans for myself in the future; to either go back to the states or work elsewhere abroad. I know I have it in myself to make it with a little perseverance and continued dedication. It’s about time I take myself somewhere where I am appreciated and my efforts are not done in vain. Losing you is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face, and eventually I hope you’d realize that letting me walk away was a mistake. I loved you unconditionally; not financially & not superficially. I’ve waited before and I’m waiting still. But soon enough it will all just be a little too late and I’d be gone completely from your life; nothing but a familiar face that passed by.

There just isn’t any amount of words left in this world that can describe the love I have for you. No number of ‘I love yous’ can ever compare to how sincere and loyal I have been to you for the past 14 months of my life. No amount of money can ever take away all the effort I have put into showing you how special you are and how wonderful of a person you are. Every part and every bit of my soul I have put into our relationship and every aspect of my life I readily gave up at your beckoning. My friends, my passions; everything I would have dropped at your call. I did everything with little resistance, but with all the willing sacrifice on my part, all on your behalf, and for your pure and sincere happiness.

14 months of my life I gave up being a bitter and cynical individual of love. You taught me how to love again and to forget my past of being hurt by bullies and assholes everywhere I went. You showed me and taught me how to be comfortable with myself again and how to handle myself around other people. With everything that I have and having put all my fears and doubts aside, I chose to pursue our relationship because you made me feel liked. You made me feel loved. And most of all, you made me feel wanted for the first time in my life.

When everything around me came crashing down you were always there for me and for that I am nothing but grateful. For all the care you’ve shown to me and for the love you had given in return, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

But now it’s all over yet I did not shed a tear the moment you walked away. It’s as if it was a sigh of relief having realized I had put myself in a position where I could manage to let you into my life, but you had started to build walls around yourself, not to keep me in, but instead to keep me out. For some time now there had been a sense of distance between us. And us much as I tried to close that gap, you kept pulling us apart.

You no longer had time for me. You were too busy with your house, your work, and other projects. You barely noticed all of the little things I do for you anymore. I call you at 8:00 in the morning everyday to greet you good morning and to make sure you eat your breakfast. I call you the moment I get home from school to check on you and talk about your day. I came over whenever I could because you no longer had time and didn’t want to spend too much money for fare on the way to the city, sometimes travelling back & forth because of miscommunications. I fought with my mom on a daily basis because I kept on spending so much money weekly so that I could give you the good things in life. I nearly ruined every other relationship I had with my friends and family so that I could be happy with you.

I did everything I could to salvage our relationship simply because I was in love. I loved you and I was madly in love with you. And I honestly thought or forced myself to think that you could possibly still feel the same. You were my baby, the love of my life. And as little or as short as 14 months may be, you were definitely the best I ever had. I can say that with all sincerity after the first two relationships I’ve had. It isn’t the longest, but it’s the one where I’ve probably felt most genuinely happy. 

As time will go by very slowly these next few days and weeks, I assure you I’ll eventually be fine. And if ever you happen to read this, I hope you’re doing fine as well. If there comes a time you’ll become happy in the arms of somebody else, then so be it. Who am I to keep you from your happiness? As for me, it’s probably a good time for me to focus on my studies and return to hitting the books. That’s something I’ll always be good at. I apologize if I did have my shortcomings or if I ever hurt you in any way. I hope you find someone who can finally make you happy and feel loved in a way I never could.

But if there’s something I would ever care to say to you, I want you to know that I did love you and I probably still will after a year from now. There will always be room for you in my heart and I’m not going to forget you anytime soon. But for now, I’m keeping myself a safe distance to spare myself from anymore pain & heartache. I guess that’s just how life goes. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest, and sometimes the hardest thing to do is just letting go.

Time will tell whether it’s on my side or not. But I have a lot of things going on for me and another heartbreak shouldn’t be too hard to get over. Anyways, time to talk to the Big Guy up there. Thanks for taking the time to read. Really appreciate it. :)

Now that 2013 has officially started, there’s a few things I would like to accomplish throughout the entire year. I’m not sure how many of these I’ll get done, but if I can do at least half of them, then I’m good to go. It’s also not just about the places & events I want to go to, but also the people I want to share those moments with; be it with my friends, family, or the love of my life (or everyone at the same time). So far, money-wise, looks like I’ll be broke before the end of the summer. Haha. But it’s all good. :)

1. Clark Hot Air Balloon Festival (click the link) - February 21-24, 2013 

This is something I’ve been wanting to go to/see for a while now. The hot air balloons, RC aircraft displays, professional kite flying exhibitions, all sound like something I would definitely enjoy watching. It’s also in Clark which isn’t too far from where we live, so it might actually be light in the pockets. Plus, entrance fee is only Php250. :)

2. Travel the Philippines - Palawan, Mt. Pinatubo, & Sagada

Palawan looks like it could be one, if not THE most beautiful place in the Philippines. I want to make it a point to go out and see the world, but I can’t do that if I can’t even visit places in my own country. When I went to Ilocos Sur/Norte last October, there were so many things that I did, that I never knew I could do in the Philippines. The Underground River, El Nido, and Coron are places I’ve been dying to see!

Hiking and mountain climbing is a hobby that I grew to love in 2012. Mt. Pinatubo is also just in our neck of the neighborhood but I’ve never gotten the chance to go there. Its history and past are the main reasons why I want to go there, but its breathtaking views and lake/crater are additional bonuses. Definitely on my 2013 bucket list, or any bucket list for that matter. 

Sagada is a place I hear about a lot, whether it be through friends’ stories, facebook statuses, or twitter tweets. I have to say, I’m not very familiar with the place which is the main reason why I would like to visit: to fill my curiosity. Hanging coffins, steep cliffs (bangin), near freezing temperatures… all make for a good spot to film horror movies I’m sure. Nonetheless, I’ll eventually satisfy this urge to visit a place I’m positive is not like one I’ve ever been to before.

3. Shop in the Streets of Hong Kong

I’ve been to a lot of well-known cities in different places around the world. Hong Kong wasn’t really my cup of tea before, but after all the stories I’ve heard from the loves, it’s certainly been an itch I want to satisfy. Disneyland, Ocean Park, all the malls, boutiques  restaurants, etc… they’re all just damn screaming my name. Just the idea of traditional Chinese culture mixed with Western influence, what more could you ask for (san ka pa)? And I have to be honest, the loves has pretty much turned me into a fashion and self-conscious guy (not that I’m complaining). Everyone who knows me knows I’m a sports & outdoorsy type of guy, but I’ve grown to love and accustomed to walking around shopping malls & finding great deals on clothes, shoes, & accessories. Gay? Very. But hey, it’s not everybody’s thing, but it’s definitely my type of thing. 

4. Have a Bonfire on the Beach

I’ve only attended one bonfire in my entire life and I’m not even sure if it’s allowed here on the beaches in Zambales. But if it is, then a bonfire and a night with close friends would surely be memorable. 

5. Watch a Concert

The last time I went to any sort of big event was on my birthday last August and it wasn’t even a concert (it was Cirque du Soleil which was a whole lot better than any concert). So this year, I want to make it a point to go to a concert and just sing my heart, lungs, liver, stomach, and kidneys out to a song. The concert atmosphere is just filled with adrenaline and gets your blood flowing, just knowing you’re singing like a complete idiot right next to someone who looks like an even bigger idiot. Haha. 

6. Finally Learn How to Swim then go Snorkeling (again)

During the last few days of last semester break I finally had the chance to go snorkeling in Magalawa Island with the loves. I have to say, I was scared as hell, but just getting to see those tiny, colorful, and cute fish definitely got my fear of deep water a bit under control… until I saw the deep as in DEEP ass part of the ocean. Hahaha. Anyways, I think it’s time I learned how to swim. Technically I know how to swim, it’s the treading part that I have no clue on how to do, especially in deeper water. I wouldn’t say I have a phobia because I’m willing to learn, it’s more of the anticipation of eventual drowning that gets to me. Haha. Anyways, it’s quite shameful and embarrassing that at my age I don’t know how to swim, so it’s now or never.

7. Get on the Right Track & Lose All Unwanted Pounds

I’ve been retrogressing for the past 5 months. After having lost over 24 pounds, I’ve gained more than half of it back. This year, I’ll work harder for a better me, physically. I want to live a healthier lifestyle and I’m actually going to start tomorrow (January 2, 2013). This is more of a long-term resolution than an actual goal on my bucket list, but it’s better to just put it all together. By the end of the year, I will either have signs of abs, or a much smaller waist line (please, Lord)! 

8. Watch Plenty of Movies

In 2012 I managed to watch 16 movies with the loves. In 2013, I want to surpass that by a greater margin. With movies like Les Miserables, Life of Pi, Despicable Me 2, etc…. I think the loves and I will be spending a lot of time this year in the cinemas. Watching movies is one of my all time favorite hobbies and a good movie every now & then is really good for the soul. Plus, it’s just another one of those things that the loves & I actually like doing together. 

9. Get in Some Good Reads

I love reading, but I haven’t lifted a book in over 6 months. The last book I read was Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom, months ago. I’ve been meaning to buy his latest novel The Time Keeper, but I’m always low on budget. Haha. But in all honesty, I miss reading. Just getting lost in a good book was one of my favorite things to do in Middle School and even in High School. I was a loser, I know and I had no friends, but that’s when I found the time to read and learn to love books. I will eventually return to my literature and I will learn to love every single page of every book I read this year.

10. Be a More Supportive & Understanding Brother, Son, & Boyfriend

This one is pretty much self-explanatory. 2012 was a year I reserved for myself. A year for me to find who I am and to realize what I really wanted in life. This year, I want to become more selfless and finally prioritize others before my own, especially when it comes to my family and my baby. With family, they understand everything I do and the reasons as to why I do them. They’ve always been supportive of me even when we are thousands and thousands of miles apart. This coming January 10th will mark the 3rd year that I haven’t seen my sister Kathleen. I miss her so much and I just want to make it a point to finally see her this year. If that doesn’t happen, I just want her to feel like I’m still here, just a phone call away whenever she needs to talk to someone. Being away for so long just takes a huge toll on emotional stability and I want to be supportive of every decision she makes in her life. 

I will also be a better son and be more open to my parents. I will try to fight and argue with them less. Moreover, I will continue to make them proud, be it with my actions, my grades, or any accomplishments that I may have this year.

This year I will also be a more understanding & caring boyfriend. I will give utmost importance to the love of my life and give everything that I have to keep them happy. I had been selfish this past year and easily got angry over small and unimportant things, but I will make it a point to be more attentive and open to everything that may happen between us. I will also be supportive of every career move and personal decisions they make and I will stand firm beside them in times of trials. I love my baby to death and surely this year will be another great one for the both us.

So there you go, my 2013 Bucket List. It’s not much and it’s quite a simple list, but there’s just some things I would like to finally accomplish this year. Hopefully I still have my friends, family, and babes to help me get most, if not all, of these things done. Here’s to a great year ahead and may you all have a prosperous 2013 filled with nothing but success and happiness. I love each and every one of you! :)